You Don’t Flinch
“Criticism is sticky. Praise isn’t.” Steve Magness
Nuance and context has become incredibly important to me in life after sport. See, as an athlete most of us are taught to adhere to the culture, set the standard, ignore expectations and favor the team over the self; and this works. It creates solid teams and leaves no room for interpretation. Those who don’t assimilate to the umbrella by which these things hang, will not last long. The larger culture is created to progress, move forward, grow, and it will not usually tolerate anyone who gets in the way of that progress and growth.
I know this as a coach and as an athlete.
As a coach, when an athlete is not a “cultural fit,” it is important to address the situation and get it right as quickly as possible. Coaches and their staff develop the culture and value statements, set the standard by which to execute on those values, then clearly and regularly stated them so everyone is on the same page. This is in addition to everything else that comes along with teaching and coaching the actual sport. Not enough room to list it all here, but just about everything from uniforms to locker rooms fall under the umbrella of culture.
As an athlete, we are expected to hold the standard, or as I’ve heard other coaches say “bear the standard.” The expectation is to know, believe, and execute the culture, the values and be committed to holding teammates accountable to the same things. Athletes who do not fall in line with this or who are self-focused become separated from the pack pretty quickly; and not in a good way.
When leadership at the top level is not intentional about creating these boundaries, teams do not operate well, fall apart or destroy themselves from within. It is the true work of coaching and leadership to be sure the cultural values and standards are present and to create and maintain the relationships that come from being on mission with your team. There is little to no wiggle room.
the psychology behind culture and thinking
Absolutes can work and serve people well in the short term, but they aren’t a sustainable way to go through life. Absolutes can be harmful or confusing to people if the system they are in doesn't allow for questions, authentic use of their voice, the ability speak up if something is wrong, or when power only belongs to the leadership.
This was my experience.
The confusing part was that absolutes worked for me, when I played competitively.
In the years after I played sport, however, I developed harmful residual habits I had internalized from coaches. I punished myself for being weak, for making excuses, for being lazy, or not being as good at “xyz” as “so and so.” After years of work in therapy, educating myself, establishing good relationships, having hard conversations, and making amends to others and myself; absolutes in my life were easier to manage and were not as loud. Thank goodness.
But, motherhood, marriage and work all have the ability to pull on old narratives and absolutes. If it were only as easy as saying “don’t think like that!” then maybe no one would have to work through negative self-talk or create mantras, or, as Jon Acuff calls them, soundtracks.
Cognitive Behavioral and Dialectical Behavioral Therapies are great at helping people work through the deeply rooted thinking that creates poor coping or destructive defense mechanisms. These behavioral modalities work together to connect feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. The theory goes: awareness of feelings (whether that be an emotional, physiological or somatic response to an event or situation), leads to a subconscious attachment to a corresponding thought, that thought leads to behavior (coping, and/or defense mechanism, perhaps). So, behavior originates at the feeling (acknowledged or not), becomes a thought, then is acted out as behavior and the cycle begins again.
Depending on the thought, the behavior can be constructive or destructive.
This is good information to know, because when sport coaches (or employers or managers) create absolutes or trite motivational statements, it can be harmful to a persons ability to perform well. In the same way, when healthy mantras or soundtracks are created, performance goes up and sustainable growth can happen.
Language and Nuance matter
Last week, I found myself on a zoom call trying to explain to a group of leaders why saying “no excuses” can be confusing for people like me. It sounded a lot like an absolute even though it was certainly not meant to be. For people who need it (insert raising hand emoji), unpacking context, and nuance in things that sound like absolutes, helps move ideas forward so you don’t get stuck.
When I get stuck, I ask questions. Here are a few I was processing:
Could there be some area in between “no excuses” and making an excuse?
Are all excuses bad?
Where is the line between an excuse and a healthy boundary?
And then I draw a mental picture:
In your mind, draw a line in the air. Everything above the line is a healthy boundary; so, it’s good for you, it grows you and those around you. Everything below the line is an excuse; something you create to protect you from doing the hard work of growth. An excuse can have some truth to it or it can be an outright lie; excuses stunt growth.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES sound like: good coping, mental/emotional/spiritual/physical rest, creating and multiplying growth in self and others. Healthy boundaries boost overall health and help us perform better in every area of life.
EXCUSES sound like: lying to cover up a mistake, blaming other for shortcomings, comparison, not managing time or resources well (could be due to poor executive function, but that’s another post), childish behavior from an adult. Excuses usually create more problems in the long run, stunt growth and lower performance in every area of life.
So, which is which? How do I know if I’m making an excuse or setting a healthy boundary? Get curious. Will this excuse lead me to more health and growth? Does this excuse benefit other people? Will it help others? If so, it’s probably a healthy boundary. If the excuse feels more like comparison, “a little lie,” blame or covering something up, it’s probably an excuse you need to address.
Replacement Soundtracks for “No Excuses”
For those who may struggle with “No Excuses,” here are a few replacements for the same process:
STAY ROOTED IN THE STORM: Calm in the storm is overrated. No one is calm in the storm, except sociopaths. Being rooted in the storm is to see, feel and experience the chaos around you but to be still. You emotions may get the best of you, you may say the wrong thing, but stay rooted. Resist the urge to lie to yourself, compare yourself or gaslight yourself. Take a breath and do the thing you need to do.
*YOU DON’T FLINCH: In big moments or times of growth, it may feel like you can’t do something, that you aren’t equipped or prepared enough. Trust that you’ve been in big moments before and you can handle this one. Whether it’s your fitness routine, a hard conversation with your spouse or a close friend or colleague, don’t flinch.
TRAINING TAKEAWAY: This isn’t to excuse you from your excuses. This is to help you unpack what they mean or represent. Shutting off your alarm when you need to get to work on time, is both an excuse and behaving like a child. Not getting up early to workout when you can get up to meet a friend for coffee or because you’ve stayed up too late scrolling Netflix previews, is an excuse. But, if you have trouble gaslighting yourself or setting healthy boundaries, perhaps this shed some light of a kinder way to say the same thing.
*(I borrowed this entire ethos from Georgia Football coach, Kirby Smart in a post-game interview. It fits perfectly as a new soundtrack though there’s likely a lot of “no excuses” going on in that locker room too).
