Get Beside the Horse, Not Behind It

“You want to get beside the horse, not behind it,” said the instructor. She was helping a new student tack her horse, and the young girl was afraid to get too close. Instinct told her to get further away, but in the 12 x 12 stall, there weren’t many places to move.

The patient instructor went on to say “see, if you are behind him and he gets scared, he might react by kicking. If you are beside him and he does kick - you’ll only get bumped by his hip.”

Learning from leaders and teachers of all kinds is sort of a hobby of mine. From trapeze to skydiving, pottery or glass blowing, hip hop dance instructors or communication experts, we can learn a lot from people who are masters of their crafts. Mastery is something we sort of obsess over as adults, but really one of the most intense seasons of psychological and social development for mastery is between the ages of 5 - 12; elementary school and middle school. While the ages can vary slightly at the front and end range, this period of time is marked by rich learning in social exchanges, mental models and systems, physical mastery in how they move their bodies through space, emotional growth and language, and communication skills. Children and pre-teens are tying to answer the question “Am I good?” In every sense of how they ask that question to the world around them.

As adults, much of how we navigate the world is developed during these years.

Depending on how that question was answered for us in those developmental years, we may not feel confident to try something new or risk not being good at something for fear that we may experience embarrassment, failure, or shame. When kids are encouraged and supported during this stage, which Erik Erikson calls “Industry versus Inferiority,” they become adults who can take risks, adapt to new or difficult situations, navigate challenges well, become resilient and adjust to most environments; in other words, they feel capable or industrious.

When the question “Am I good?” is met with shame, judgment or guilt, kids are less likely to take risks, feel capable or competent, and can result in feeling inferior. Feeling inferior, less than, or not good enough might lead us to build resentment, fear of failure, risk mitigation - even on simple tasks - complicitness, social anxiety or other coping.

“But, I’m afraid he’s going to kick me or bite me,” the young student continued.

The instructor moved along side the horse, closest to the horses head, and positioned the student near the horse’s belly.

“Now he can see both of us and feel both of us, so he knows where we are,” explained the instructor calmly. A smile washed over the students face and she continued brushing the horse.

Sometimes in our early developmental years, we navigate psychological or social stages of development without the support, encouragement and confidence we need to navigate an adult world with challenges and risks. Sometimes these challenges seem insurmountable - like getting on a horse. Instinct tells you to move further away from the risk or the challenge, to move away from relationship or emotional health, to move away from honesty or reality; but moving further away or behind something might lead to a bigger injury than walking alongside it.

So, we are able to see more angles of a challenge, problem, or a conflict when we are beside it than to position ourselves behind it where vision is limited and hooves can deliver a powerful punch. After all, like the riding instructor said, you might get bumped or pushed, but you won’t get taken out.