Boundaries in Sport
“I don’t want to go to the game,” our son said slouching in an oversized chair in our living room. He was close to tears and fully dressed in his baseball jersey with his catchers bag packed and his cleats still red from the diamond dust of his last game.
It was June of 2020 and little league was just opening back up for makeup games from Spring. After a very confusing and very weird several months, our local little got the go ahead to resume our canceled season despite the less than ideal circumstances (and temperatures) of that time of year.
“You have to go, you made a commitment to your team,” said my husband.
I turned those words in my head along with everything we had adjusted and adapted to in the past three months. The details or specifics of our conversation are fuzzy, but on that day, my son quit little league – and baseball altogether.
QUITTERS. Quitting in the world of sports can be somewhat of a profanity. It’s a hot potato word and no one wants to catch it or be near the one who does. But somehow, this felt different. First off, we’d been living in a sort of pseudo-microcosm since March and had already made some big decisions regarding how our family would navigate the current landscape of a world in a pandemic. Quitting a sport seemed like the least of our worries.
It still felt like a risk to let our kid quit something, but, we trusted that he knew what was best for him in that moment. After all, we ask our kids to share with us and then they trust that we’ll actually listen. Were we going to be parents of our word or would we be offering lip service to a very sad 12 year-old.
And so it was, the beginning of making better choices and listening to what our kids were actually trying to communicate with us; and truly living to the values we had always spoken about in our family.
If you have younger kids, you are likely in the “let them try everything” stage. We did that too. As they get older, however, and have the language to express themselves better, it’s important to listen to what they are telling us. Here are a few things we did and continue to do with each activity we choose. The older they get, the more they can be an active part of this process:
WE REMEMBERED OUR VALUES. Values are the operating systems of families. Whether they are spoken, written or only thought, every family operates off a system of values. It’s how we make the big decisions for our families (financial decisions, education decisions, career, relational and friendship decisions). When we know our values, we can make better decisions.* The same is true for youth sports, especially as kids get older. Knowing your values will help you make a better decision for your child and your family when the pressure of what other families are doing or comparison start creeping in. Or when a coach or club director comes at you with all those promises of grandeur – you know the ones.
Ultimately, we must remember: families create values and character, not sports
*(As a side-note, when we make better decisions, we become more confident. Confidence doesn’t come only from being good at something (that helps), confidence comes from making good decisions and living into your values – yes, even for kids.)
WE EXAMINED WHAT WE WERE PAYING FOR. Repeat after me: “I am not paying for a college scholarship.” You can search up how much colleges are giving for scholarships these days, but I can guarantee it’s not as much as you’re paying for your club experience – and, we’re not talking dollars here. Being on a team requires an investment of our time, our energy, our sleep, our nutrition, our family time, etc.
Sports, yes, even youth sports, are a business. That isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the thing. Instead of becoming emotionally invested in the “idea” of your kid as an athlete, become a consumer of what you are buying for your kid. When what you’re paying for aligns with what you want from your kids’ sport experience, everyone wins. I think we all know what it looks like when a parent is more invested than the kid.
WE QUESTIONED WHAT WE WERE BEING SOLD. “If you don’t do travel ball now, you’ll never get put on a team and you’ll be behind and miss your spot in the future.” You can say the same for soccer, volleyball, tennis, golf or any sport, really. We had to go back to our values and our finances regularly to block out the noise of the club sport machine. We felt that pull. We felt confused. We were afraid of missing our kids one and only chance for a team.
Ultimately, we listened to what we knew worked for us and we listened to our kids. They have voices and they know what is working for them and what isn’t. We may not always get it right but we can always dust ourselves off and try again. (I’m fully aware we are a family is in a position to choose, many families do not have these same choices. In addition, some sports have really difficult and expensive access points).
THAT’S JUST A HOBBY. When our son finally quit the last of the organized sports teams (club soccer was the last one), there was a sadness for him and for us. Being on a team is a wonderful thing. Practicing and working together for a common goal gives us purpose, resilience and a sense of belonging. But we noticed he was more interested in other non-traditional sports that had teams, coaches and training groups, but were more individually focused. Sports, I had considered hobbies because of my own background.
And, eventually his hobby became his main activity. Organized youth sports aren’t the only way to get physical activity and many physical activities are free - get creative in what you expose your kids to and maybe you’ll find hobby you love too.
NOT A LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I love sports. Still a huge consumer of sports and sports culture (and shoes). I have coached and remain in the sport as a mental performance and mindset coach, parent educator and author of resources for athletes. Looking at your values isn’t anti-sport, it is a tool to help you make better decisions for your kids and your family.
