5 Things Coaches Need to Know About Their Athletes*
*(and leaders needs to know about their teams)
Your people may be carrying emotional and mental load. As coaches or leaders, we are not responsible for being the team counselor or go-to friend. Our job is to lead, guide and develop people. However, when someone is struggling mentally or emotionally, a few things might happen: they may resist help, not ask for it at all or act like everything is fine, as their performance drops or changes in mood and behavior become more apparent. You may be tempted to fix their problem or offer solutions - this usually isn’t the most effective approach. What can we do? First, we can acknowledge when seasons of difficulty may arise and be aware of how to provide resources or navigate choppy waters. Perhaps giving a voice to academic, family, relational or team stress or if there are specific times throughout the year when we know workloads pile up: end of quarter, beginning of the year, end of season. We can acknowledge something without allowing something. In situations where we may need to outsource help, we can offer the appropriate referral channels and ask if they need any help getting connected.
APPLICATION: Know your referrals for sports psychology and campus counseling or the mental health benefits of your insurance policies. Be mindful of shifting energy (physical, emotional, mental) throughout the season. Be a good noticer of your team; allow for rest, recovery and good mental habits and hygiene.
Defense mechanisms and poor coping are there to protect them. Athletes who are “tough,” have “attitude problems,” or “don’t care” may act or behave in that manner for a variety of reasons - the main one being fear. In an ideal situation or culture, you recruit or hire to your culture. But on any team or staff, when someone is under stress or in heightened emotional situations, the emotional or mental skills available to them will show up. What they lack will show up as defense or coping mechanisms. So, for example, toughness, attitude problems or uncaring demeanor or actions may be a protective measure for an underlying sense of fear, dread, embarrassment, lack of belonging, insecurity, or a variety of other hidden roots. Because teams cannot accept all behavior in the name of “hoping it gets better,” it may be necessary to have regular conversations pertaining to the cultural and behavioral standards expected of the group. Good teams have a clear understanding of what is expected and how to get there. Great teams grow and learn together and know that there will be some mess and hard conversations along the way.
APPLICATION: Leaders or coaches can not coerce their teams to fall into line - at least not effectively. Fear is a terrible motivator. Effective leaders guide their teams and develop standards which allow them to perform their best at any given moment.
Healthy coping can (and should be) developed through sport and coaches can model healthy coping. Healthy coping takes practice. We all develop defense mechanisms and coping skills when we experience conflict, hardship, grief, and trauma. These are the adjustments, adaptations, and decisions we make in those moments. Some of these adjustments or adaptations are healthy and help us grow closer to others and to ourselves. Poor coping and defense mechanisms can lead to isolation, withdrawal and numbing ourselves when things are hard; creating more space between self-awareness and relationships with self and others. As a leader or a coach, you can model healthy coping and the easiest way to do this is through emotional regulation. Learning how to stay calm through the difficulties of team direction and management is one of the easiest ways to model healthy coping; this, however, is not an easy task. It requires self-awareness, the desire to grow so others can become better in the process, and, it requires a suspension of the ego so that true excellence can emerge.
APPLICATION: The better coping, mental and emotional skills a leader has, the better they can model appropriate coping. The opportunity we have to teach good life skills to young people is a privilege.
“I’m proud of you” is a phrase that never gets old. Sometimes coaches think if they praise or affirm their athletes too much, they will get soft. Competing at your highest ability, working towards excellence, or staying patient as you work through the messy parts of learning and momentum require encouragement, support, and partnership. As a coach or leader, providing this feedback regularly is vital to your group staying in the game and staying at an elevated level for as long as possible when it matters. See, high level performance is not necessary 100% of the time, it is necessary when it matters. So, athletes or teams who regularly get beaten down in the name of perfection often leave excellence or standards on the table thinking their effort isn’t good enough.
APPLICATION: Train your teams to recognize what they are doing well and to see what is working for them; also provide time and space to evaluate what is not working and what needs improvement. They won’t get soft; they will become better at hearing feedback and become more authentic. The best performances are always the ones that are the most authentic. “I’m proud of you.” Say it more than you think you need.
Regardless of age, coaches and leaders are the adults in the room; act like one. If the parents or athletes in your care or in your charge are not performing well it could be you need work in emotional regulation, communication skills or haven’t done your own work to heal or grow in some area of your life. Subordinates or athletes make easy targets for someone who has the emotional skills of a child. Although it is an easy, convenient temptation to do it, blame is not an emotionally intelligent response to anything. Just as we hold our athletes to standards, we must also do the work to hold ourselves to standards that create environments where people know they can improve and get better. This means not only training the skill or game we hope to teach, but the skills to make us better communicators, leaders and stewards of others.
APPLICATION: Don’t just read about or listen to content on leadership, experience it. Ask your teams to tell you where you can improve and then, go improve that area.
